Day 50: Mental Gyrations – Asheville Zero 2

After nearly 14 hours of sleep, I woke up today feeling nice and refreshed.

Having gotten nothing done yesterday, my first order of business was laundry. My hiking clothes had not been laundered since my first stay in Gatlinburg which was about 10 days ago. Needless to say, those hiking clothes were in a sad state of affairs. With my hiking socks literally standing up on their own, I like to joke that I needed a chisel to get them into the washer.

With laundry in progress, I took on the task of unloading all my gear. One thing I do during town stays is to unload all my gear and let it air out. Even though I’ve been safe from rain for several days, my tent still gets wet on the bottom. My ground cloth also stays wet. So those got a good airing out so they could dry out. Of course, they’ll be wet again when I hit the trail, so…

I’d been in touch with M & Z throughout the morning. They had relocated to a hotel that happened to be closer to where I was staying. We’d planned on getting together for lunch, but eventually decided to defer until dinner. I still had blogging items to deal with and I knew if I were to pal around all afternoon, then nothing would get done and I’d be on the time crunch before heading back out tomorrow. So the plan became meet M & Z at 6:30pm – at Olive Garden! Woohoo!

With laundry finished, it was time to get something to eat. Across the street were some fast food places, which I crave because of the fat content. My trail diet is deficient in fats, and fast food is one way I replenish fats. I went to Burger King and got the biggest, baddest, largest-upsized combo I could find. Having learned from yesterday, I decided to dispense with the extra side orders.

After devouring my meal, I just sat in my seat while sipping my soda and kinda zoned out. That’s when the mental gyrations started happening. I’ve said it before, but this trail journey I’ve taken on does weird things to the mind. At least to my mind – I’ve not heard of other hikers that second guess their hike. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that I over-analyze – it’s in my very nature.

So, I’m sitting their zoning out and start having all kinds of disjointed thoughts about my hike. Here’s an attempt to put them into words: 1. I’m between hiking bubbles, essentially hiking alone. 2. My trail experience has become boring – I’ve learned how to hike the A.T. – at this point, everything else is just repetition. 3. I miss my home, my friends, my family and my co-workers. 4. I am making such dismal progress on my itinerary and it is not improving. 5. My hiking stamina has improved greatly, so you’d think my overall progress is improving. 6. My overall progress is impeded by my need for town stays. 7. My need for town stays may indicate I’m just not a “real” long distance hiker – maybe short sections at a time are my style. 8. What would I do if I left the trail? 9. If I left the trail, would I want to come back? 10. If I continue on and it becomes clear that I can’t finish by my deadline, what is my response to that?

As you can see – lots of related but disjointed thoughts about this trip of mine. All of this led to a state of melancholy – and even of being trapped. I did not want to return to the trail tomorrow, I was not enjoying this town stay and the idea of leaving the trail permanently was both appealing and disappointing at the same time.

It’s important to note that feelings like this are very in-the-moment. They come on suddenly. Some might even compare it to a bipolar condition. This morning, I did not have these feelings at all. I was tending my gear and getting ready for my return to Hot Springs tomorrow and was excited about it. It was only after eating lunch, during that zoning out period I’d mentioned, that I had all these conflicting thoughts.

Following some additional introspection and a phone call to a work colleague (thanks Christine!), I’ve decided that it’s too early to call this journey quits. I have to give this more time. Having said that, no matter what happens in the future, I will state that I am super proud of what I have accomplished so far. This hike has been harder than I ever thought it would be and I feel super good about making it this far. No matter what decision is made later, that accomplishment can’t be taken away. I’ve done it and lived it.

For right now, I’ve made the decision to delay my return to the trail by one day to allow for a mental reset. I will be keeping my immediate focus on my next major milestone – passing mile 300 of the trail sometime in the next few days of hiking. A few days after that, I will pass through the town of Erwin, TN. The total distance to Erwin is about 70 miles from Hot Springs. I shall attempt to cover this in 5 days, but will have provisions for 6 days. 5 days will mean 5 consecutive days of 14 miles each, but I am taking on the challenge. Regardless of any future decision about the trail, if I don’t start busting out 15s and 20s at some point, then finishing will not even be an option. Having done several 13 mile days, 14s seem like the next small step. “Small moves, Ellie, small moves.”

I finished some blogging items just in the nick of time for dinner. I walked the 5 minutes to Olive Garden. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, as M & Z were walking up the street from the opposite direction. At dinner, we discussed our trail plans. They were planning on returning to the trail on Sunday and already had transportation arranged. Since I was delaying by a day, this worked out well for me since I’d be able to grab a ride with them. They’d be heading back to where they left the trail while I would head back to Hot Springs. I would still have a decent shot of catching up with them since they planned on a few short days to get M’s leg back in the swing of things. Also, for my next day, I planned to relocate to their (or a neighboring) hotel so it would be easier to meet up during tomorrow.

With sufficiently devoured meals in our bellies, we sat a while longer at the restaurant. Our waitress was very attentive and frequently asked if we needed anything further. We didn’t, but were just enjoying each others’ company. M & Z had originally planned on another music show for the evening, but they instead decided to have a quiet night in their room. We finally left and parted ways for the evening with plans to meet up and do something tomorrow.

Back in my room, I had one task remaining. Sleep!

Wandering on…

Mojo