Day 54 – 61

Ok everybody – I’ve finally found the time and collected my thoughts so that I can update my blog. It has been a while since my last daily post and a lot has happened in that time. Due to that, it doesn’t make sense for me to retro-post daily posts for this period of time. Therefore, this post will take the form of a Q & A. For reference, Day 54 is Tuesday, May 5th, 2015 and Day 61 is Tuesday, May 12, 2015.

(Note to self and readers – I just re-read all of this before publishing. It’s not clear to me that I’ve collected any thoughts!!! Regardless, read on – it’s my best attempt. LOL)

Are you ok? Is everything ok?

Yes, I am ok! Whether or not “everything” is ok depends on what one means by “everything.” If it means am I ok physically, then yes. If it means am I ok mentally, then yes. If it means have you been hurt, then no. If it means, “will you finish your hike?” Then the answer is, “I’m not sure yet.” Read on for more details.

Where have you been? What’s been going on?

I’ve been on the trail, in Wilmar, NC, Washington, NC, and at home in Suffolk, VA – all during the past week. I visited those places via a car that I rented in Asheville, NC back on Day 55 – Wednesday, May 6, 2015. My intermittent feelings of boredom and not enjoying the trail reached a point where I felt “trapped.” I was left with no other option than to return home and think things through. Here is a day by day account of that period.

Day 54 – Hot Springs to Campsite

This was supposed to be the day of hiking up to Rich Mountain, but it was not to be.

As I left my hotel room in the morning, my fellow trail companions were heading to the grill for breakfast. I hiked down the street, intending to leave town on the trail. As I approached the tavern we’d all visited the previous evening, I decided to sit there and wait for my companions to finish their meal. I figured if I waited just a little while, they’d catch up and we could hike on together.

In hind-site, which is 20-20, it was a bad decision. I should have simply hiked on. But at the time, my desire to have hiking companions overruled any other consideration. When they finally arrived from their breakfast, we ended up “camping out” in the tavern for hours. As late afternoon approached, we collectively made the decision to hike onward at about 7pm which would lead us to a night-hike on the trail. Two of our group, Twixless and Whisper left at 7:30pm.

One thing led to another which culminated in Mainer (I’ve called him Maynard in the past) and I not leaving until 11pm in the evening. We only hiked about a half mile in the dark before camping right in the middle of the trail – along side the French Broad River just north of Hot Springs. There were no potential tenting spots where we stopped; we literally slept in the middle of the trail – protected only by our sleeping bags.

Day 55 – Campsite to Tanyard Gap

This was supposed to be the day of hiking from the campsite to Rich Mountain, correcting the mistake of the previous day. But this was not to be either!

The previous night was the most uncomfortable night’s sleep I’ve ever had on trail. It was horrible! When I awoke at 6:45am, I came to the realization that I needed to not be hiking with Mainer. He’s a fun guy to hang out with, but he’s not a positive motivator for my hike. I got up, packed up my gear, ate breakfast and hiked on at 8:00am.

The hike from the river to the local ridge top, called Lovers Leap Ridge was grueling and miserable. No doubt, this was largely because of a very restless night as well as staying up way too late the previous evening. I knew from my starting point that I had a 9-10 mile day ahead of me to reach the next shelter site. Considering my starting time, this should have been easily attainable considering the trail legs I’d developed.

But my physical and mental state caused me to hike on at a snails pace. By 10:30 or so, I’d only come about 3 miles. I took a break at an established campsite to use “the facilities” and also to eat a bit more food. While taking this break, all I could think about was the existence of a road crossing 3.5 miles ahead at Tanyard Gap. In my then-current state, the only appealing thing was a ride to Asheville. Not a ride to a hotel, but a ride to a car rental business. I decided that if my mood did not improve by the time of that road crossing, that I was off the trail – maybe for good.

As you know by now, my mood never did improve. This was despite meeting a hiker named Dancer. She and I took a short break together and talked about how our mental states affect our hiking and our hike in general. We shared tales of mental low points we’d both experienced and how we managed to get out of them. It was a good talk, but it just wasn’t enough.

By the time I reached Tanyard Gap it was 1:30pm and I was done. Done, done done. Finding a ride to town was super easy – right on the trail head there was a phone number posted which advertised shuttling services for “reasonable rates.” What they mean by that is true; see, several hostels along the trail offer shuttling services for “unreasonable rates” – it’s a well-known fact on the trail. So what these independent people do is undercut the hostels. You’re basically paying for their gas plus a bit more for the time they spend driving.

I called the number and within 45 minutes was picked up. 45 minutes later, I found myself in Asheville at the Hertz Car Rental store. By 4:00pm I was in my car rental and on the road. I spent so much effort getting to town and renting the car that I didn’t give any thought to how I would feel once in the car.

There were two aspects to this. First was the physical aspect of driving a car. I’d already been in cars several times during town stays – but I had not driven a car since Franklin, NC which was some time ago. Driving the car felt very very very strange. The second aspect was mental, which largely took the form of regret. As I drove eastward away from Asheville and the mountains, I couldn’t help but feel I’d made the wrong decision in leaving. “Why didn’t I just force myself to hike those extra 4 miles?” I thought.

Well, the answer to that question was a mystery. It remains a mystery – it’s a question I’ll never know the answer to. The other question is one of those “big life” questions: “Could I have made a different decision?” This is just the old fate vs. free-will debate that we humans have battled with for ages. I like to believe I could’ve chosen differently, but I didn’t.

Day 56 – 61

Like I said earlier, during the next 6 days I visited North Carolina, where I stayed with family for two nights. I then came to my home in Suffolk, VA for the weekend and beyond. I’m not going into a play-by-play here; it’s sufficient to say I really enjoyed seeing everybody!

Are you done with the trail?

When I left Asheville, I honestly did not know the answer to this question. Based on info given above, I did feel that leaving was somehow wrong – but I still didn’t know if I would return. Almost as soon as I got home, I had made the decision that I was not done with the trail. The only question was where, on the trail, would I return – and what form my hike would take. I now know that I will be returning to the exact spot I left – Tanyard Gap and will continue to hike northbound for now.

What happened? Why did you leave?

Such a simple question which has no simple answer. That is the major reason I have not written in my blog for an entire week. It’s taken me that long to figure out exactly what happened and why I thought things were “so bad” that I felt the need to leave the trail.

Again, there’s not an easy answer but I think it might be one of those “perfect storm” situations where a lot of factors combined that led to the decision. Here’s what I think the factors are:

MotMot and Zeeba – I’d made it an immediate goal to catch up them after leaving the Smokies and after my stay at Standing Bear Farm. When I arrived in Hot Springs only two days behind them, they had to leave due to possible injury. I felt that I needed to at least see them since it sounded like they would be leaving the trail. (Already the prospect of them leaving kinda bummed me out)

While in Asheville with them, MotMot’s situation with his leg was improving and they planned to return to the trail. I decided to return with them and continue to the two day chase. I would be on the same hike, just delayed by a couple days. Things were looking up.

However, while we were all in Asheville, MotMot and Zeeba were forced off the trail due to an emergency which may or may not have been related to the injury which initially forced them off. Regardless, the emergency did force them off the trail for good.

Obviously, this was horrible news for themselves – both the emergency itself and being forced to abandon their hike. But from my perspective, whether selfish or not, their leaving the trail seriously bummed me out. Against all odds, I had found people that I really gelled with. We had the same hiking pace, the same affinity for town stays, a similar sense of humor, and shared many movie and musical interests. Even though I had not known them long, their forced departure felt like I’d lost two life-long friends. That may sound like an overreaction, but all I can say is – you had to be me, and you had to be there to fully understand.

When I returned to Hot Springs, in a bummed out state, I ended up reconnecting with a different group of hikers that I knew. I’d never expected to see them again as I figured they were way ahead of me. But they’d stayed in Hot Springs for several days – specifically for a music festival that occurred over the weekend. Having just lost MotMot and Zeeba, I was really happy to have met up with these guys – I saw them as a potential new group of hiking partners.

But this group was not a replacement for MotMot and Zeeba. Mainer, Twixless and Whisper have been hiking together since Gatlinburg. I’d hiked with them before; they are definitely fun people to be around but when it comes time to leave town, there is a tendency to “put things off for a day.” As much fun as town stays are, when it’s time to leave town then it’s time to leave town! Actually, Twixless and Whisper aren’t that bad in this regard. Mainer’s the one who ends up convincing people to stay in towns an extra day. I jokingly call it “The Mainer Factor.”

So I’d unintentionally gotten caught up in his web too – burning a whole extra day in Hot Springs and attempting a futile night hike with him. I think I was feeling a bit of personal disappointment with myself for simply not doing the right thing earlier that day. Again, hind-site is 20/20. Had I just hiked on that morning from my hotel, I probably wouldn’t have taken this detour home. Then again, maybe it just would’ve been delayed. We will never know.

So when you take this roller coaster of feelings I was having and mix that up with the already-intermittent (and very recent) feelings of boredom I had with the trail – it was a perfect storm that led to my feeling trapped. I felt there was no option but to leave the trail to figure things out.

Can you still finish the trail?

It is possible to still finish the trail – yes. To complete the trail as I envisioned will require a massive increase in my daily mileage. That is not yet impossible, but the odds are very definitely stacked against me. The clock is ticking! At this point, I have fallen so far behind my schedule that completing the trail will probably require a “flip-flop hike.” See, the end of the trail on Mount Katahdin in Maine closes on October 15th of the year. Depending on the severity of the weather, it can close even sooner than that! So, unless my projected finish date moves significantly forward, it is probable I will flip to Katahdin at some point and hike the rest of the trail southbound.

This is not the way I wanted to do the trail but I have to be realistic given my progress to date. In fact, my progress to date suggests that I will not finish the trail period. But I am going to try; I am not ready to completely give up yet.

If things reach the point where it is physically impossible to finish the trail (even with the above flip option) given my time constraint, then I will have to abandon the thru hike altogether. I would imagine that I’d still go on to hike the more interesting sections of the trail, but I can’t know how that news will affect me until it actually happens. At this point in time, I’m trying to avoid having to deal with that. I’ll deal with it if and when it happens.

What’s the plan?

My immediate plan is to drive back to Asheville, NC tomorrow – Wednesday, May 13th. There, I will stay the night at some hotel. On the morning of May 14th, I will get a shuttle back to Tanyard Gap where I left the trail and hike onward. I plan to hike 10 miles that day, followed by 4 days of approximately 15 miles each. That will land me in the town of Erwin, TN where my next mail drop and bounce box are already waiting for me.

Beyond Erwin, TN – it is another 120 miles until I reach the VA border. I am going to tackle as much of that as I can before the end of May. At the end of May, I already have plans to attend a Rush show.

Resuming my hike, I have got to find things to be excited about on the trail again. Things to feel good about, milestones to look forward to, new goals to be set and met. I need enjoyment again on the trail. That’s what I’ll be looking for on Thursday.

 

wandering on…

Mojo in search of Mojo – literally and figuratively! 🙂